Vincent Stevenson

Surgeon Banishes Resident from Medicine for Being a 49er Fan

 

Jackson, WY -- (ReleaseWire) -- 01/07/2014 -- After supporting the San Francisco 49ers during a transplant surgery clinic rotation, a foreign-born surgical resident of Austrian descent was publicly ostracized by his attending, and, consequently, now lives as a desolate drunk in his native homeland.

Unknown to the surgical resident at the time (when assisting with a 10 hour liver transplant case after being post-call), the attending (with the patient’s permission, which bypassed any HIPPA law violations) videotaped the entire surgery by installing multiple ceiling cameras in the operating room (OR) prior to the surgery. Since he had little OR experience at the time and transplant surgeries are notoriously complex, the resident understandably made many fundamental mistakes. One month later, during a grand rounds presentation with half of the entire country’s chairs of vascular surgery (the resident’s desired fellowship), the attending made a collage of the novice doctor’s errors and then the attending’s subsequent fixes. The resident recalled that many of the vascular surgery chairs lost their voice or cried from laughing so hard. After this event, he said that “no surgeon would ever respect me” and no fellowship would ever take him.

He later found out that his attending was angered when the surgical resident wore a 49ers tie to support his favorite sports team despite their epic collapses in the last 3 seasons. He was shocked and disillusioned that his entire career was ruined because his boss hated his favorite sports team. The former resident wailed that his attending berated multiple times and scoffed that “the 49ers are my lifelong enemy and pure scum! Therefore, anyone affiliated with them are scum too!”

While the resident tried to get various medical boards to investigate this as a type of workplace abuse, all claims were dropped when the attending was able to successfully argue and prove his assertions. In an engaging soliloquy before many high ranking board members and federal government officials, the attending successfully demonstrated that they San Francisco 49ers are a putrid organization with Neanderthal-like fans and are cursed to wear the shoes of a losing franchise in this century after experiencing unprecedented pure luck in the 1900s. In contrast, the Seattle native proclaimed that true organizational greatness in the NFL will now be rightly bestowed upon the Seattle Seahawks and their loquacious and incredibly supportive 12th man. The panel concluded that wearing a gold and red San Francisco 49ers tie demeaned the hospital, the physicians, and the entire medical profession. It stated the attending’s actions were not only appropriate, but “incredibly necessary.” As a result, the attending got to raise the 12th man flag at the next Seahawks playoff game, a feat given to few fans.

Detested, disliked, and disrespected, the 2nd year surgical resident went back to his native Austria to “find love at the end of a bottle.” He said he “gets wasted every other day” to prevent “DTs.” The former resident warned future students that he feels “sorry” for them if his former attending works with them and “I HATE HIM SO MUCH!” He then clumsily fell to the ground off his stool. Finally, his hand is seen reaching for his wine glass and he proclaims “OHHH YEAHHH!” This suggests he should be able to live for another couple of days. His video rant is displayed at http://www.youtube.com/user/scrubwars.

Of note, his attending is callously known as the Peyronie Attending in medical academic settings. He is the incredibly arrogant (self-proclaimed “the best doctor there is, the best doctor there was, and the best doctor there ever will be”) creator of the soon-to-be released and highly anticipated medical board gaming app (for the USMLE and COMLEX). Scrub Wars will focus on the reinforcement of high yield USMLE and COMLEX board facts in the context of an exciting shooter game. Its tagline is “Crush Your Med Exams for a Penny A Question.” The original game can be purchased for $9.99 to unlock the first 1,000 questions and additional in-app purchases (with specific topics relevant for the USMLE and COMLEX board exams) can be made for 0.99 cents for 100 additional questions. IOS versions come out in the winter of 2014 and Android versions are expected to be released in the Spring of 2014. The initial app contains a total of 5,700 questions. Scrub Wars utilizes innovative teaching techniques to reinforce medical learning, most notably through the use of gamification (http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2013/12/gamification-medical-training.html).

For more information, visit http://www.scrubwars.com or @scrubwarsapp (use #scrubwars, #usmle, #comlex).